A Miraculously Simple Cherry Coconut Vegan Scones Recipe and My Jiffy Lube Assault

Miraculously Simple Cherry Coconut Vegan Scones on http://www.theculinarylife.com

– A superlative cherry vegan scones recipe can fix even the most f—ed up day –

I consider myself a very fortunate person. As lives go, mine is pretty damn good. I’m very lucky to have an abundance of blessings that outweigh any drama that may come my way, though I occasionally have a day where I keep pressing CTRL-Z in my head, praying for an existential UNDO feature.

Despite how senselessly random life can be, there are a few things I’m pretty sure will not happen during any given day. I expect a safe will not fall out of the sky and smash me into the sidewalk; I am fairly certain I won’t turn a corner to discover I’ve been zapped back in time to a Victorian-era coal mine; and I most definitely expect I will not be assaulted by the manager at my local Jiffy Lube while getting the coolant changed in my car.

I’m grateful there are still no flying safes or slave-labor mines in sight. As for the Jiffy Lube assumption… well, what do they say about the word “assumption?”

 

Miraculously Simple Cherry Coconut Vegan Scones on http://www.theculinarylife.com– These blood-red cherries did not remind me of a 6’4″ psycho asshat threatening to beat me down –

Sorry, you’re going to have to wait a few minutes to get to the vegan scones recipe. I’ve got to share this completely insane story, first.

It was an innocent enough day to begin with. On my way to Sacramento to attend the American Cheese Society conference with Garrett, I went in to Jiffy Lube to get my coolant changed. Because, you know, that’s what responsible drivers do when they’re about to spend a week in 110F weather. I walked into the office after giving my keys to the tech who greeted me, and another man wrote up my work order. Looking at the total on the slip, I mentioned I was told a 10% off coupon would be applied to the fee. The man shrugged his shoulders and told me it’s fine, but this was just the order I should sign to get the work done. He’d deal with the discount later.

Fast forward to 45 minutes later, and this guy is telling me there’s no discount. My response was initially, “Well, why didn’t you say that when I first brought it up? I would have just left and gone somewhere else.” He didn’t have a response, but was still not budging on the discount.

“Fine,” I say. “I want to talk to the manager.”

“I am the manager,” he replies.

I sigh. “Awesome. Then I want your boss’ name and number so we can resolve this. I’m not happy.”

Problem is, he refuses to give me the information I’m asking for. Baffled, I ask him what his problem is. He tells me to pay my bill, to which I reply, “I’m perfectly happy paying the bill. I just need the name and number of a person I can contact about this.”

At this point his 6’4″, 240-pound frame is gesticulating wildly as he yells at me, he didn’t come to work to argue, he’s got his wife at home for that! Then he grabs my keys off the counter and takes off out the door. Customers are officially gawking now. I watch him lumber angrily across the work bay and start working on another car.

After a minute of standing there, stunned, I walk out into the work bay and tell him I want my keys back. He says no, I have to pay my bill. I tell him again, yes, I’m totally willing to pay the bill. But he also needs to give me the name and number of his higher-up.

By now the situation is escalating quickly, but he’s got my keys and I can’t leave. Customers are telling me to call the police. The manager walks back in to the office area, goes on again about his miserable home life – clearly what he’s really angry about here is whatever he’s got going on at home with his wife – and demands I pay my bill. He also slipped a very pointed “F— you, b!tch” in the sentence that made the FedEx guy behind me wince. I wave my credit card at him and say, “YES! I’VE BEEN TRYING TO PAY MY BILL FOR FIVE MINUTES NOW!!”

He finally runs my credit card through the machine and gives my keys back. I expect him to give me the name of his boss, who at this point is going to get an earful. He just looks at me.

“Where’s the number?” I ask.

“I don’t got no number for you.”

“What’s your name?”

“I don’t have a name.”

To say I was flabbergasted would be the understatement of the year. This guy is just digging his own grave but doesn’t seem to be aware of it. I’m finally really, really angry. I tell him he’s being a dick, to which he nearly spits in my face, “You’re a disrespectful redneck b!tch.” He continues to scream and yell for another minute or two, then storms out of the office.

The FedEx guy behind me tells me I should call Jiffy Lube corporate.

“I have no idea who this guy is,” I say. “I don’t want to get the wrong guy in trouble.”

“Well, go get in your car, and as you’re about to drive away, take his picture with your phone. Then you’ll be able to identify him.”

I ponder the idea, then worry aloud, “I’m worried he might actually come after me if I do that.”

“Nah, girl, I got your back if it gets weird.”

Looking back, this is probably where I should have just left. But the situation had gotten so stupid at this point that I wasn’t thinking clearly. So I go outside, throw my stuff in my car, put my keys in the ignition and start the engine. Then I turn around and snap a photo of the guy who just called me a redneck b!tch.

Big mistake.

The first photo I took was just of this jerk looking down into the engine compartment of a Ford F-150. But the second photo, which my iPhone snapped because I fumbled the camera button, was of 240-pounds of red-shirted, screaming, rabid raging bull charging me from across the work bay, roaring obscenities the entire way. Seriously, I had no idea a man of that size could move so quickly. He grabs for my phone, hitting me in the arm as I quickly swing my hand around behind me and stuff the phone in my back pocket. He stands over me, face just inches from mine, screaming bloody murder.

“GIVE ME YOUR F–KING PHONE, B-TCH!! GIVE IT TO ME NOW! F— YOU, YOU REDNECK B-TCH!!”

I don’t know what to say, but now the adrenaline is flowing. I’m feeling 6-feet tall myself. Not so awesome in retrospect. I roar out, “What? Are you f–king crazy? I’m not giving you my phone! BACK THE F— OFF!”

Now he’s waving his hands in my face, threatening that I’d better leave or he’s going to kick my ass. I glance to the side and see FedEx guy hiding in the office, safely behind the windows.

Wow, thanks, FedEx guy.

The manager is still screaming at me, calling me names, threatening to do whatever 6’4″ angry men do to 5’3″ 110-pound women when they’re in ego-driven caveman mode. He obviously wanted me to cave, to cower, to cry, to… do something that would affirm his role as a Big Powerful Man.

Cowering and crying are two things I’m not very good at. And unfortunately, in tense situations such as these, my self preservation skills rarely kick in until after the fact. So I stood my tallest, held his hard-ass gaze the entire time, and screamed back, “What, are you seriously going to f–king hit me?? WHAT THE F— IS WRONG WITH YOU??” He roared unintelligibly, borrow a moment of clarity from elsewhere in his currently unplugged psyche, and proceeded to run away, across the work bay, screaming the entire time. A cacophony of F-bombs and redneck b!tches echo from underneath the hood of the truck he was working on earlier.

FedEx guys finally materializes to my left. “I think this is the part where you leave.”

So that’s what I did. I got in my car and left. The adrenaline wore off as I pulled around the corner and the uncontrollable shaking started, making it difficult to think. Call the police! An angry voice inside of me cried. CALL 911! And that’s exactly what I did.

I should also mention here that I was the only woman in the company of two male customers and two other male Jiffy Lube employees. Of these four guys, how many do think anyone stepped in and backed me up while this dangerous animal got in my face and threatened bodily harm? If you guess none, you’d be absolutely correct. The two customers watched from the sidelines while the other two staff guys vanished altogether.

I eventually find my way to Sacramento, where Garrett greets me with a cold glass of iced tea. As I recount the events of the afternoon, he pours in a shot of whiskey. Because that’s what friends are for.

Below are the scones we made that weekend. I was still pretty zonked from the whole ordeal, and a fistful of the world’s simplest vegan scones is exactly what I needed to get back some semblance of perspective over the whole situation. These scones are shockingly easy and can be made in, literally, five minutes. They require almost no kneading; in fact, they’re better if you barely touch them after the dough reaches the sticky, shaggy stage. I recommend you serve them with clotted cream. If you don’t have any – because, who does in the states? – you can make your own clotted cream with this recipe.

And the fact that these scones are made with fresh cherries and coconut milk really makes them a sweet, tart, fluffy experience that will surely soften the edges around whatever drama you’re currently recovering from.

Assuming you’re already out of harm’s way, of course.

And because folks will ask:

Yes, I filed a police report. Yes, I called Jiffy Lube’s corporate office. And yes, I am very, very worried for this man’s wife and children.

Also, it’s worth noting this guy came completely unglued over a $9 coupon. And before anyone asks, no, Jiffy Lube did not offer me any sort of refund for the drama/trauma I had to endure that day.

 

Miraculously Simple Cherry Coconut Vegan Scones on http://www.theculinarylife.com

– Oh, right, here’s where I give you the vegan scones recipe. Sorry, almost forgot. –

 

5.0 from 3 reviews
Miraculously Simple Cherry Coconut Vegan Scones Recipe
 
Author: 
Nutrition Information
  • Serves: 6
  • Serving size: 1 Scone
  • Calories: 265
  • Fat: 10g
  • Saturated fat: 9g
  • Carbohydrates: 39g
  • Sodium: 364mg
  • Protein: 5g
Recipe type: Breakfast
Cuisine: British
Prep time: 
Cook time: 
Total time: 
These cherry-coconut scones are the easiest, fastest scone recipe you can possibly think of, and they're vegan to boot (but you'd never know it by the taste or texture). Be sure to not over-knead or your scones or they will be too dense. You literally need to push both palms into the dough, then pull the back of the dough back over itself and push down to squish it into one mass. Fold it in half and repeat the push-pull-squish once more. You're done. Yes, that's it.
Ingredients
  • 1 1/2 cups bread flour, plus extra for dusting
  • 3 tablespoons sugar
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 cup shredded coconut (the dry kind)
  • 1 cup pitted and halved cherries
  • 3/4 cup + 1 tablespoon coconut milk
Instructions
  1. Move oven rack to center of oven. Preheat oven to 425°F (218°C). Line a baking sheet with parchment.
  2. Whisk together the bread flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, and shredded coconut.
  3. Add the cherries and give it all a quick toss. Next, add the coconut milk and use your hands to gently bring together the ingredients. If you need to add a bit more coconut milk or flour, then do so carefully, adding only a teaspoon at a time. The resulting dough will be sticky and clumpy (also known as "shaggy").
  4. Turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface and knead twice (push-pull-squish, push-pull-squish, done).
  5. Form the dough into a disc and cut into 6 pieces triangular slices. Gently move to the prepared baking sheet. Brush the tops with a touch more coconut milk.
  6. Bake for 10-15 minutes, or until golden on the very edges. Eat hot!
Notes
You can use regular flour over bread flour, if you like. There will be a slight textural difference, but not by much.

Don't over-knead your dough or the scones will lose their fluffy texture. You literally need to push both palms into the dough, then pull the back of the dough back over itself and push down to squish it into one mass. Fold it in half and repeat the push-pull-squish once more. Then stop. Yes, really!

 

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Comments from other ninjas:

  1. Gabriel Frazee says

    I like your response to them wanting you to fill out a form; how hard would it be for them to just look at your website and get your contact info.

    Actually, maybe you should make a form for them to fill out!

  2. Elizabeth says

    Gabriel, I was thinking the same thing. It took me less than 30 seconds to find Stephanie’s email address on her site (which she links to in her tweets). They must just be realizing the PR nightmare / legal actions coming their way…

  3. Greg Reznik says

    Good for you Steph! Keep them in check! Treating your customers like that is NOT ok and more people should know! Definitely never servicing my car at a Jiffy Lube ever again!

  4. Ray Wiberg says

    Ha! Well get your refund if you can, in full.

    Also, when I see you, redneck is the last thing that cruises into my head.

    Oh yeah, Fed Ex dude is pretty much lacking a Y chromosome. That was an opportunity to shine for our half of the species, and he failed miserably.

  5. Jeny Mason Riordan says

    Call their HQ and complain. They have video cameras all over the garage. My oldest is a PIC at a local oil change place.

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      When I talked to the district manager, they said there were no cameras except for at the gas station next door. :( I said I wanted to see the tapes, but he said they’d have to ask permission from the gas station. He didn’t seem too into the idea. Sigh. Angry about that.

  6. Chris Menia says

    Sorry to hear that Steph……but Im gonna be the douchebag that makes the obvious comment. It’s never ok for him to show you his dipstick with out you asking.

  7. Shelley Pitts says

    That’s awful. Unfortunately, having an officer arrive after the incident as well as after you left the facility, leaves the entire situation to be documented according to the dudes version based of his demeanor and attitude at the time of the report. I agree with the officer to get a copy of the report. I would also go to the district manager of Jiffy Lube and hope for some resolution. And if the district won’t take care of it… Go higher. No one should ever treat a customer the way he treated you.

    Wishing you luck on a resolution!

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      Sucks!! It’s not like I could stand around and wait! The cop called me after he spoke with the guy. Apparently he felt that his viewpoint was justified. WTF does that mean??? That it’s ok for big guys to go around brutalizing women over a $9 coupon? Civility FAIL. This guy needs some serious anger management or a mega-dose of tranquilizers.

  8. tony Tone says

    Isn’t spitting on you assault? Dude could have hep, or strep, or halitosis. No one needs a halitosis assault. Glad you’re okay otherwise. This happened to me at a gas station in Oakland. Upon reflection, it was probably unwise to allow it to escalate.

  9. Kevin Fleck says

    It’s a good thing he didn’t hit you. That one dude should have stood in and helped out. I would have.

  10. Kevin Fleck says

    I guess he is lucky you weren’t in a kitchen. You could have hit him over the head with a frying pan.

  11. the Big O says

    I’m glad you are OK. Typically, cops these days to not “make a decision” on right or wrong, only take reports. Get a copy. Also, call corporate, explain what you believe happened, and drop the civil law suit word a few times to get their attention. EVEN if you were in the wrong, I’m fairly sure that corporate will not take kindly to one of their employees assaulting or even behaving rudely to a customer.

    I would wait on posting any reviews right yet. But be sure to let corporate know how big your following is, and that we will ALL share your story if they do not make it right.

    Let me know if I can help or so something for you.

  12. lisa kraft says

    i know it doesn’t seem like anything, but definitely write a yelp review. hit them where it hurts, let other people know not to use them. they might try to delete the review, but just keep posting it.

  13. the Big O says

    The problem of course is then they would be suing you and you would be having to defend your use of “excessive force” in the action. It’s an old story: person breaks into home. Home owner shoots and cripples them. They sue and win. I would hate to think what this guy might have done if you pepper sprayed or tasered him.

  14. Judie Mitchell Johnson says

    Steph, your explanation, plus comments by your friends, left me anxious and laughing. What an awful experience. I can imagine how shaken you were when it was all over. If you read through your string of emails, you’ll probably laugh.

  15. Diana Johnson says

    Oh Steph, I so would have gone toe to toe with him alongside you, although if Eric were there I know he would have actually stepped in and told the guy to back off. So sorry there weren’t any actual men there to back you up.

  16. Doug Miner says

    Make sure to check your drain plug. They sometimes leave those a bit loose if they don’t like you.

  17. Ted Mazzoli says

    I wonder, If you had been a guy, would he have hit you or at least gotten more physically aggressive, or would he act like bullies do and backed down more easily?

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      He probably wouldn’t have gotten in my face to begin with, if there was a chance I could actually match his size. So if I were a guy, I doubt it would have escalated so much.

  18. Katherine says

    First: the scones look and sound awesome. I am on a cherry kick right now, and on a scone kick, so this is very serendipitous!

    Second: I am so, so sorry you had to go through that Jiffy Lube ordeal. All I can figure is that in that guy’s head, there is only one woman, and all manifestations of her are the enemy. I think you’re totally right to worry for his wife and kids. ‘Cos if that’s how he acts in public, in front of witnesses, at his place of work, I hate to think how he acts in private. For a guy who’s supposedly the manager and one half of a relationship, he seems awfully desperate for control. People don’t act like that just because they’re having a “bad day.” Refusing the discount, meh, sure, maybe, but not the rest. I hope Jiffy Lube will still give a better response, even if the police can’t find enough grounds for action.

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      Thanks! I was told by HQ last week that this was out of character for him, but I just checked the Yelp reviews and there are tons of complaints about him being rude and a bully! It was only a matter of time until he snapped!

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      Excellent question! I just read the Yelp reviews today and apparently he’s been a problem for a long time now. Sucks they had to ignore the problem until he became dangerous.

  19. Gio says

    Well good for you for standing your ground and not allowing this bully to intimate you. Plus, someone needs to stand up to him so he can’t get away with acting this way with others in the future. Sorry that someone was you, but sounds like you handled it well. Now go treat yourself to something special and soothing, relaxing. You owe it to yourself after such a stressful public service!

  20. Aida says

    I just read your post! I’m so sorry. What a horrid experience. I’m glad you weren’t hurt, but that person needs a lot of help. And yes, I feel very sorry for his family :(

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      Awesome, Annie! I love simple recipes that actually taste good. They’re such a rare find, I think…

  21. poonam says

    I have been on the receiving end of some pretty horrible customer service by a big American chain in Toronto, Canada, and it takes a lot to get me mad…alot. Am still not sure what the intention was behind it, but I ended up contacting the highest managment contact on thier website: sales and service department, I am thinking CEO or Executive level, and was told by the Store Manager that my CSR rep was spoken to 3 times by different levels at this company..I would have just preferred a written apology…that sounds like a frightening and traumatic experience!

  22. says

    JEEZIS Haich KEErist, that guy is nucking futs. Glad you came out of it ok, but hearing this is astounding, appalling, and makes me angry.

    No discount after your drama? Well, apparently not–the huge guy manager wouldn’t give you one in the first place. When I hear these tales my immediate reaction is to boycott the place and tell the bunches why. And I will, right now.

    I’m 6’1″ and 215 lbs and my wife is at times envious of my size and girth which forestalls a lot of this behavior in the first place–not so much when the abused is a tiny woman relatively.

    Was there a recipe? Totally forgotten and pales in contrast to your adventure.

  23. Judy Fox says

    Had that same kind of experience once while trying to get my new used car looked at by the shop that had inspected it and said it was okay. They tried to bully me because I was a woman both on the phone and in person. Time was running out on my warranty so I got their asses good by contacting the state police and setting up a meeting with them. As I was being berated AGAIN with a “Look, bitch, we done told you…” the cop walked and and said we will be taking this car for a test ride now. The jaw drop was priceless and my car was fixed within a week.

  24. Chris says

    The sad thing is that this moron has spoiled it for a whole bunch of JL locations that offer amazing service. Is this guy like Rice? Really. Bad day bud? Stay home. You did some serious damage to JL and their reputation. If JL doesn’t realize it, I will tell 10 friends, and I’m in Canada. Wish I’d been there…

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      Yes, ma’am! I fixed that but it looks like the change reverted. I’ll fix it again. But yes, about 1/4 cup.

    • Stephanie Stiavetti says

      Are you asking if you can use it? I suppose you could if it were dry, though the recipe calls for shredded dry coconut.